Monday, May 14, 2012

The fine art of self loathing

I'm going to wallow in self-pity here.  It's not a crisis.  I'm venting.

Humira isn't kicking in.  How long does this take?  I know, it's only been a week and that it can take months, but I've been being treated by a good rheumatologist for six months now and nothing is working.  Is it me?  Am I going to be one of the 30 to 40% who respond to absolutely no drugs for RA?  Is he wrong?  Is there something else wrong with me?  I know there are blood markers, etc. that are supposed to verify my illness, and I know that some of mine are exceedingly high, but I've never asked which ones or what they mean.  I've trusted him completely.  Maybe he's wrong, though.  Maybe there's something else wrong with me and I'm taking all these scary drugs for nothing.  Is it heresy to doubt your nice rheumatologist?

He wants me to try Actemra if this doesn't work.  He gave me spiffy pamphlet on it.  I don't want to do IV drugs.  I'm not that sick.  Or I sure as hell don't want to be.  Plus, the common side effects include a rise in blood pressure, which I can't afford.  My blood pressure has been a struggle for months.  If I let him hose this drug into my vein and it has a half-life, what the hell happens if my blood pressure shoots up?  Yes, it's pretty clear I need to make a list of questions for Dr. L and ask them at my next appointment.  I just want to go to a doctor and be FIXED!!  I don't like all this complicated medical crap.  I need a straightforward minor infection that can be healed with antibiotics, not all this rheumatoid arthritis garbage.  Where do I apply for a change in illness?

My son is driving me nuts.  B has always been such an excellent young man.  He still is.  Absolutely wonderful. Well behaved.  Sweet and kind and caring.  He just doesn't give a flying fuck about his grades at school these days.  He's 16 and needs to get his poop in a group.  I wonder if he's afraid of growing up.

Same lovely son as in previous paragraph has a band concert tomorrow night.  They will be performing one of HIS compositions.  That's right.  My brilliantly talented boy has composed a piece for symphonic band that will be played by his school - and the kids like it.  How amazing is that?  I think it's extremely impressive and I'm intensely proud of him, yet I'm still wondering why the hell he can't pass history.  Oh, he can pass it.  He just doesn't care!

Diablo III comes out at midnight tonight.  This is one of the best games ever, and I was an early player of the first two versions, many MANY years ago.  I'm thrilled to have this one coming out, and I'm dying to play it.  I beta tested for it, and what little I played had me itching for more.  But get this:  I am such a crappy human being that I'm resentful I can't spend all night awake playing video games because I have to get my son to school and go to work and be a responsible adult the next day.  I probably won't get to play much until the weekend.  (And I wonder why my kid doesn't give a crap about being a grownup?  Hush.)  I'm really not crazy about being a responsible adult lately.  I'm tired of it, in fact.


  1. My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately it is a hit and miss approach with these autoimmune diseases and it stinks!! I can understand your concerns about the HP factor and yes you should ask your doc about this. Maybe there is another med out there instead of that one to try next. And maybe with your son, his first love might be music. Could a tutor maybe help him with the history?

  2. ra meds sound an awful lot like the bad old days of antidepressants... none of them worked, and you had to go through a year's worth of trials (hell) to prove this. then came the ssri revolution and nothing's been the same ever since. perhaps with all these fancy drug companies stepping up to the plate, the ra equivalent of prozac is just around the corner. (i like to imagine hundreds of stephanie clones at work in their laboratories.)